I'm Back! Did you miss me?

Probably not, as I only have about 3 followers!

I have decided that it was, once again, time to blog. Things have been very complicated since I last wrote.  Being a mom is hard enough, but being a mom of children with special needs is all-consuming.  It definitely affects that whole social butterfly aspect!

Yes, you guessed it - this is going to be a completely selfish post!  I have been reading the book 1001 Tips for the Parents of Autistic Boys on my e-reader (the girl version seems to be non-existent online - even on the author's website, though I saw it at the Barrhaven Indigo Book Store), which says that parents are allowed to wallow in self pity, but for no more than 72 hours at a time. So consider this part of my 72 hours.

See I have proof! 

My second daughter was FINALLY officially diagnosed with PDD-NOS (Pervasive Development Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified, which is part of the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)category).  Last year, she had a working diagnosis of ASD, but as it was only a preliminary diagnosis, no one seemed to take it seriously. Not to mention,we didn't qualify for the support programs that we so desperately need (therapeutic, financial, emotional support).  So, I should be happy that we finally have an official diagnosis, right? Instead, I am overwhelmed with thoughts of the the struggle we have ahead of us, as well as all of the time lost.  You see, my daughter is 14 and quite unwilling to even discuss the diagnosis.  I'm not sure how happy she is about the prospect of all of the therapies that were recommended: behavioural therapies (ABA, sensory integration therapy, play therapy), social skills training, speech and language therapy, occupational therapy, music therapy....the list goes on.
She also has a "global" learning impairment and possible dyslexia. Now that I think about it, I don't blame her for not wanting to discuss it!!!

I am angry.

I am angry that despite years of trying to get a real diagnosis through the school board, she finally got a private diagnosis at the age of 14. 

I am angry that she could have had a happier childhood, in which all of the therapies could have helped her fit in more and better control her emotions.

I am angry that my other children have had such a crappy childhood because of this.  They have had to deal with the emotions as well, with the meltdowns, with having to watch as the whole house revolves around one child. Her older sister's life has been greatly affected by this, causing great anxiety and sadness (I will save that for another post).  The younger children have been exposed to things that I would prefer to shield them from.

I am angry that I am virtually alone in this.  My husband sees it as a behaviour problem and that she is just being rude for the sake of being rude.  He doesn't understand the feelings and reasons behind her actions, moods, and just plain quirkiness.  Yes, she can be rude - she is a teenager afterall, but she has exceptionalities that prevent her from helping herself at times.  She has no filters.  She doesn't have the ability to empathize or read the emotions of others.  She needs help with all of that.

I am angry that her father seems to think that she is responsible for her own PDD-NOS.  WTF?  I even asked him if he thinks it's just her that caused her own PDD-NOS or if ALL children diagnosed with PDD-NOS are responsible for it.  He said just her.  I don't understand.  I was completely baffled when he said that yesterday.  How dare he even suggest such a thing!

I am angry that  she was pushed through grade after grade when she has such a learning disability.

I am angry that the teachers don't seem to be following her current IEP (which will be changing, in light of the recent diagnosis, so I have little hope for them to follow a more in depth one!)

I am angry at the school system that wouldn't help properly when they were asked.

I am angry at her doctor at CHEO, who only wants to give her meds, but not help with therapies or give me any resources whatsoever.

I am angry at a government system that allows a child to have to wait so long to get a diagnosis.  TESTING SHOULD BE COVERED BY OHIP!!!!!!  These children are the future, people!  Take care of them, because one day they will be taking care of us!

I am angry at myself.  Maybe I should have pushed harder for help.  Maybe if we had more money, we could have done this sooner.  Maybe I shouldn't have replaced my windows 5 years ago, but used that money for her instead.  Hindsight is a beauty.

I am obviously still in the anger stage of the grieving process.  On Monday, I will move forward and get copies of the assessments out to various places (school, psychiatrist - who won't do a damn thing, Service Co-ordination, family doctor).  Until then, I'm taking a vacation from all of this.  It's the weekend and I just feel like relaxing with the little ones.

Maybe Moving South?

In my obsessive search for a nice country home I found a pretty 5 acre property with an old/renovated farmhouse on it. It has 4 bedrooms and an attic loft that can be developed. For some reason, I am more nervous about moving to Prescott than I was about moving to Renfrew. I'm still slightly sad that we didn't get my dream home on Barr Street.

Terry wants to check out the Prescott home tomorrow night. I tried to explain that tomorrow night is a momentous night with the premiere of CAMP ROCK 2. He just doesn't understand. Miss Hollywood is hoping to have a sleepover to make the night even more special. Secretly, I am a little excited to see the movie. Afterall, we have been watching the commercials for it for the past 5 months. I think I know all of the songs already!

Here is a sample: It's On
Oh and another one! : Can't Back Down

Anyhoo, the house is inexpensive enough that we could afford to finish the attic AND build me a nice porch. I made it very clear that I will only move to the country if I get my big white porch. I also mentioned an outdoor rink in the winter, which sent Terry on a crazy hockey-playing-every-night fantasy. Considering that I have wanted to make a backyard rink every year for the past 4 years, I think 5 acres of property is more suitable than a tiny townhome backyard with a gazebo in the way.

See, the big problem is that I'm not entirely sure that I want to leave the city. I worry about the country schools, about the children having to make new friends, about the children having to take a school bus, not so much about being isolated though. I am embracing my hermit identity a bit more these days, though I have promised myself to try to be a bit more social this school year.

OH! And Terry's lovely niece Wendy lives in Prescott. She has 5 kids too, 3 of which would go to the same school as my older girls.

I suppose that the best thing to do is to actually see the house and take it from there. If I don't love it, I'm not moving!

So much for the Budget!

Okay, honestly I don't actually have a budget; I just hate spending money....unless it's on clothing for the little ones. Decided to get back-up dress afterall. Here it is!

I hope that one of them looks good. If not, I will have to wear a garbage bag or wrap a sheet around myself. I REALLY have to get that Tony Little Gazelle unburied from behind those bins!

Update: Dress was out of stock :( They sold 3 the day that I tried to purchase mine. The lovely people at www.vintagedressesoutlet.com were extremely kind though and offered a discount on my next purchase to make up for the fact that the dress was sold out. Thank you Lee'Ann!

On a happy note, my black polka dot dress arrived in TWO DAYS. Two days is almost unheard of to send something to Canada from the States. I was extremely impressed with ModCloth.
The dress is cute, though I really have to do some work on my arms...they look a tad large!

Someone please dig out the Gazelle!

So, my cousin Adam is getting married in October. It has been eons since I actually went to a wedding (other than my own!). The past few have been out of town and I have not been able to attend. This wedding will be here, so no worries about being able to go.......

Or are there? What the heck is an overweight, out of shape, doesn't-fit-into-any-of-my-old-dresses girl to do????? Well, my quest for a dress started last week, during my semi-conscious concussion week. I checked out a bazillion online vintage shops to no avail. Apparently Vintage Chicks were a tad thinner than me. Imagine that!

My focus this week has been on "retro-style" dresses. I may have found one (hope so, because I ordered it), but I worry that it may be too plain to wear to the wedding. I don't necessarily have buyer's regret because I love the dress, but I don't know if we have the funds, with birthday season upon us, to buy a dress just because I love it.

Anyhoo, here is the picture. I really like it, but is it appropriate to wear to a wedding? The wedding is in the afternoon at 1pm - cocktails are at 5pm. I was thinking of getting my pearl earrings fixed (one needs to be glued) and finding some funky retro looking shoes, but I'm still worried that it won't be dressy enough. Funny thing to say for someone who NEVER wears a dress. This wedding business is so stressful!!!!!!!!!

I Fought The Stroller and The Stroller Won

Okay, technically, it wasn't much of a fight since the nasty Graco DuoGlider double stroller hit me from behind (and about 6ft off the ground), sending me straight to the floor. Well, towards the floor....I ended up stuck in a bin of toys. Luckily, the little ones were in the basement at the time and were able to fetch their older sisters to help me. It took twenty whole minutes to get me turned around and ready to try to get up. The nausea and dizziness was too much to handle. By that point, Terry was home and helped get me upright.

After about an hour and a half, we decided to get to the hospital, since my pupils were very unequal in size. The verdict : I have a concussion. I was monitored for several hours. Nurse Hatchet stabbed me in the arm with a shot of Gravol and caused me to bleed all over my fashionable hospital gown. I went home and was under strict supervision and instruction to return if things got worse. Darling Kiki stayed up all night watching me. Bless her heart.

It is getting better. My pupils finally returned to normal size yesterday. The headaches are not constant anymore; they come and go throughout the day. I can remain upright for more than a minute. I pushed myself a little too much today and am paying for that (Please stop the room from spinning). Seems like it may be a slow and steady road to recovery.

I have managed to do some online window shopping though! Well, I bought a few things.
Firstly, I ordered Boy1's violin. I figured that renting a violin that looked obviously banged up a bit for $25/month didn't make sense. I got an inexpensive internet one as the seller had good reviews and I was told that Boy1 would outgrow this size (1/8) in a couple of months. This way Boy2 can use it too, if he has the inclination to learn violin.

Secondly, I ordered picture invitations for Boy1's birthday party and for Miss A & Boy1's shared Birthday BBQ for family. They rock! I hope they look as nice in person. I ordered them this morning from Kodak and they are already at Best Buy waiting for pick up. That will have to be tomorrow after Terry gets off work, since I am unable to drive. I will try to remember to post pictures when I get them.

Finally, I ordered a birthday t-shirt on etsy from AddieKakesKreations. It is adorable. Here is a picture of what style it will be:

It will, of course, have Boy1's name and "5" on it instead. I am getting so excited for his birthday! We are having his birthday party at the park. There is a water/sprinkler park there and new play structure. I also bought a discounted bean bag toss game and we have a ring toss already. I was considering the Bocce game too, but I am afraid that the children might hurt each other with the balls. We shall see.

After Boy1's party, we are going to have a family BBQ at our house. Our barbeque is really horrible though, so I don't know how that will work out for us!

As for my window shopping, I have been searching the vintage clothing e-world for a dress to wear to my cousin's wedding in October. So far, I have found some beautiful dresses, but none that were definitely "the one". Two months until the wedding ....hopefully enough time to find something.

This typing is giving me a headache, so I need to rest. Hopefully, I will remember to blog again soon!

Reflections

Did any one of my three followers ever watch the show China Beach? It was set in Vietnam and starred Dana Delany & Marg Helgenberger....and some hot dude whose name I can't recall. Anyhoo, the theme song was Reflections by Diana Ross and The Supremes. I just googled the lyrics and they are much more sad/heartbreak-y than my mood today, but the title of the song certainly represents the theme of today for me. I'm definitely in a reflective mood.

For your listening enjoyment, here is the youtube video of The Supremes performing the song, as well as another song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0HE7TC8y5g

Ooh! And here is the actual China Beach theme!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceiEnbOb_jE

I find myself reflecting on those that used to be such an integral part of my life, but that, for some reason or another, I no longer have in my life. Now, I'm talking about people from years ago, friends, neighbours, other peeps......it is strange how time doesn't seem to pass, yet when I look back I can't figure out what happened to all of those "constant" people. I suppose for me the easy answer is children. Children happened. But I suppose that isn't fair to blame it on procreating. I mean, it does take two to tango. My blame can rest on my self-inflicted seclusion and sudden lack of social butterfly-edness. I remember being on the phone for countless hours a day when I was younger. So, at least, I was keeping in touch. I just don't know what happened.

Worse than that, I can't seem to figure out how to remedy the situation. How do I turn this around and reclaim friendships or even hope to make new ones? Baby steps are great, if you actually take them. Baby steps aren't worth a damn if you simply stand there paralysed. They are just meaningless words. I guess it's time to make an actual plan. I like, make that love, lists - so I will have to make a "Reclaim/Make New Friends List. Wonder if it will work.

Now off to prepare for this evening's visit from my daddy and his lovely wife Marie. Firstly, I must make a preparation list ;)

Where Has The Time Gone?

There we go....just changed the blog name, as I feel the last one was a tad on the negative side. We'll try this one on for size and see if it fits.

The March Break sped by us and I am ashamed to admit that we did not have the chance to do all that I had hoped. My ear is still troubling me; the doctor said that it is viral and all I can do is wait for the fluid that is behind my ear drum to drain. Fun times. Regardless, it put a damper on my mood and my energy levels. I am trying to be possitive about it though. I now have the oppurtunity to have THREE coffee tins to paint instead of two. I think that I will do the base coat and perhaps have the children help paint on some added touches. I also found a bunch of seeds for planting, so we can always plant seeds instead of putting full grown plants in the painted containers.

The boys got their room back on Friday and since then I have been fixing it up for them. It now looks like a proper little boys' room, though I seem to have misplaced the red mirrors that used to hang in there. I will have to keep looking. Miss Hollywood likes the room so much that she is insisting on sleeping in there. If we do manage to get our Dream Home, I may be able to convince her to share the third floor with the boys. It would be practical, as they always like to end up in the same room anyway. The closet is certainly big enough and the adjoining bathroom is an added bonus. If we wind up doing the addition later on, she can then move to her own room. She will be older by that point and want her own room. We shall see.


Speaking of moving, I painted the kitchen yesterday. I really love the colour and can't understand why I haven't updated this room earlier. It is such an easy and brilliant change. Yay for me! I still have to do the trim. Terry says that the job is so good that he can't understand why I want to hire out the staircase. I informed him that I don't enjoy it at all and I REALLY don't want to do the staircase again. Once in a lifetime was fine for me. It is nice to hear him appreciate my work though.

We visited Terry's mom on Sunday to celebrate her 86th birthday. She is such an awesome lady. She still seems so young. I swear she is going to live to be 100....at least! It was a hoot visiting with her and Terry's sister Shelagh. It is refreshing to see Terry with his family. He actually CAN be funny! I wish we could get together with his family more often. It always makes me feel differently toward him. It kind of reminded me why I fell in love with him in the first place.

Ah! The sound of the boys' fighting is everywhere. Time for Referee Mom to step in.

(*update on court case for Christmas Day noise violation...met with prosecutor today and trial is set for the morning of June 25th. 6 months to the day from Christmas. How ironic! Ulcer is growing, despite the fact that everyone keeps telling me it's a good thing.)

CHEERS TO BIRTHDAY GIRL JULIE "J-BUCK" BUCHANAN!!!!!! I am so going to lift a pint in honour of you tonight!